God calls very few to be martyrs, but calls all to be radically sold out for Him. "If any one would follow after me he must deny himself, take up his cross, and die. " Mark 8:34 God, what will is cost me to follow you? Why is it that I find it so hard to let go? How can I find the strength to let you guide my life? Sometimes I feel that if you would show me your power and let me see your miracles, then I would trust. I know this is wrong but it is natural. I feel like I have so much to lose. So much to miss. God change my heart. Show me the fulfillment that gaining you brings. Let it cause all else to pale away and look non-important. God, I have this plan and I don't want to let go. Where will you take me? What will I have to go without? Teach me the comforts of this life are not important.

The sacrifice of Christ is an amazing concept to ponder. The fact that he killed his son to reach out to us giving us a way to know Him. What a price to pay to know us! Are we worth knowing that much. i guess so. It does give me assurance that finding fellowship with God is not beyond reach since He did so much to make it available to us. Seeking Him wont end in Him forsaking me. "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jer. 29:13 Finally, I am taking the time and effort to orient my college life that way.

God, let me find you. Show me you. Give me a passage way to come to you and learn to know you. I am here. I have freed myself of the distraction that she can bring. I am wanting to hear you, to see you. God guide me what to do with this relationship. - J.

9:52 am....

Alright so I've never fully understood the act of meditation. From what I can tell, it is thinking about an idea or thought for a long time. Viewing it from all angles. Letting it show you how it applies to your life today. So that's what I am trying to do here...

2 Tim. 2:11-13
"Here is a trustworthy saying:
'If we died with Him, we will also live with Him;
If we endure, we will also reign with Him.
If we disown Him, He will also disown us.
If we are faithless, He will remain faithfull.
For He cannot disown Himself.'"

This is a trustworthy saying. I can trust it. I can listen to it and follow it and it will not fail me. Furthermore, I can come back tomorrow, and it will still be true. Statements like these are hard to find. So much applies to the situation. Hard and fast truths are hard to obtain.

The imagery of death and life is used so much throughout the teachings of the Bible. Understandably, when I ponder what it was to die with Christ, I think of the passage where Christ says we much each take up our cross and die in order to follow Him. This is truth. We much get out of ourselves and our "ability" to do what we think needs to be done in order to live fully in Him. The realization that we are not the end of the universe is a important point of humility that keeps so many from relating with You. I am also reminded that I did die. When Christ died on that cross, He died for me. As far as the record shows, I died. The point when I render that in my head and accept the repercussions is the point when I begin to live. So yeah, since I died with Him, I shall live with Him. Or so to speak... Since my death lies with Him, so my life arose with Him.

2:57am.....

God, I am sitting here listening to the water drip drip outside my window, and i find myself annoyed. Is there anything I can learn from this incessant noise? Now that this fast has begun, I am trying to see you teaching me in everything, but really.... dripping water?

Lets analyze this... the water is dripping from what I assume is a point on the roof to a point on the rain gutter below making a soft hollow "bom bom bom bom bom" noise. About ten or twelve drops fall, and then there is a pause for a second or two, then ten or twelve more. This happens any time it is wet outside. It will rain and then do this for five hours after the rain.

I'm stretching here for application to this, some kind of lesson to learn. And I am coming up with few comparisons.
- It is constant, as are you.
- It is supplied by the rain which you provided. Could it be that you supply my with trials to test me? Sometimes it rains on me so you can see (or show me) how well I shed the rains of life. Or you are providing me with a little test of being patient and self controlled.
- No one can hear it unless they are where I am at in the house. Likewise, no one really understands what it is like to be in your trial unless they have been there too.

Finally I am tired and going to bed now. see you in the morning.

Green... Growth, New Life, Peace, Health,

Today was the beginning of a new point for me and Cat. Time and time again we have tried to kick our sexually immoral habits. (to no avail) With the wedding coming up in 4.5 months, we have been even more focused (and yet failing) on the fact that we dont want this to follow us up to our wedding day. Under the conviction of scripture and the prodding of the heart by God, we are beginning a new life. It sounds naive and trivial on paper, but this is big. No more will we be accepting of the ways we have followed our lusts. I am going to start a Bible study with her this semester (dont know on what yet).

Even more, we have decided to fast from each other. Fasting as I understand it is the forgoing of an item or practice so special that you miss it, and when you do long for it you are reminded to long after Christ. Well this is the beginning of much missing Cat. I am fearful of the pain that is sure to come from this. I am excited to see what God teaches me, and even more thrilled to remove this sin from our relationship.


::::::::::::::::::Scripture for the Day::::::::::::::::

1 Cor 9:27
No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

1 Thes 4:3
It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable. Not in passionate lusts as the heathen do.